We join spokes together in a wheel,
We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.
We hammer wood for a house,
but it is the inner space
that makes it livable.
We work with being,
but non-being is what we use.
For many years I suffered from fear and anxiety that would collect until it expressed itself as panic attacks that rendered me incapable of leaving my house or teaching class. Practicing yoga and meditation during those years often brought anxiety to the forefront of my attention. As I faced my fears, I noticed that my anxiety lessened in intensity, all but completely disappearing. More recently, I have noticed a shift in balance between fear and other emotions. As the fear reduces in scope, sadness comes up. Anger comes up. Boredom comes up.
Noticing boredom, I see that fear has been a motivating factor in my life. Fear of disappearing stimulates a desire to be recognized, which results in grandiose displays of personality. When the fear of who I am starts to diminish, I see that I’m really just ordinary. I have no gimmick and no particular specialness that needs recognition. I don’t need to be really funny or witty. And being charming is often more trouble than it’s worth. I am left with all this space. So now what? How does one get comfortable with the vast expanses of space? Is it possible to let the space exist, or is it appropriate to fill that space with “lesser evils” until our minds and hearts are strong enough?
As we let go of not only things, but of unproductive ways of being, we are left with an incredible amount of space. The Buddhists talk about the concept of sunyata – the emptiness that reveals itself after long periods of contemplation and reflection when our thoughts turn more slowly and eventually become still.
Unfortunately, as many of us with a contemplative practice have experienced, we are very uncomfortable with space. In fact, many of us have become quite comfortable with the fullness of our chaotic lives. Most people coming out of abusive relationships will assert that while they understand that their relationship may be unhealthy and chaotic, letting go of the abuse can be unbearably uncomfortable. The same can be said of the dysfunctional relationships we have with ourselves.
The second yoga sutra states that “Yoga is the stilling of the turning of thought.” Teaching and practicing for several years, certain observations have been made in myself and in students. As we start on a yogic path of stilling our turning thoughts, we usually start with simple actions like refraining from fidgeting and figuring out where to put our arms and legs. As time goes on, we become familiar with postures and sequencing, we start to focus more on the breathing and the bandhas. This process moves us from gross to subtle awareness in the hopes that eventually we will experience the present moment.
In my own experience, I find that I often fluctuate forward and backward in and out from authentic experience. When hit with anxiety, waves of thought move extremely quickly. The experience is one of constriction and lack of space. If our orientation is external, and we’re preoccupied with the outside world, it might sound like this: What does so-and-so think of me? Or I can’t believe she said that! With such an external orientation, it serves us well to bring attention back into the gross functioning of the body by becoming aware of sensation – the legs, the neck, the arms, etc.
As we drop one layer deeper, we might become aware of discomfort – tension in the neck and shoulders or tightness in the back. Staying at this layer of awareness, we might simply obsess about the body, so, again, we go deeper into the body, sensing subtler energies – the breathing, the internal locks, and the way energy moves through the body. As thought waves slow down, more space is uncovered in the mind and body. In yoga, each step of the way, we are given practices that help us fill the space, or fill the void so to speak, until we are capable of existing peacefully in emptiness.
How does the cultivation of space on the yoga mat translate to the cultivation of space in life? We look forward to exploring this with you at our monthly satsang at www.purpleyoga.com, this coming Sunday, November 6, 2011 from 5:30 to 6:30 PM.
